nessa k

i forget sometimes that i came from a world where i was little.
it doesn't feel like memories, it feels like a completely different place.
like i'm a different person and that was another, completely different world.
one with magic.

where i put together puzzles of barns and yellow flower covered hilltops
and i would imagine myself running on mountaintops, keeping up the car when i went on trips with my parents.

growing up has been weird for me.
everyone learns everything as they grow older,
but i feel like each bit of information has been a little shocking to me.
learning how to properly speak to waiters,
realizing there are mean people for the sake of meanness in this world,
learning that the moon and sun looking larger on the horizon is just an illusion...

and finding out i'd eventually move away from home.

when i was younger, i thought i'd live in the mountains because i didn't know life existed outside them. not really.

i thought i'd always pick blackberries with my grandmother
and i'd always go to the small church down the road
and when we moved into a new house on hilltop, nothing changed.

i forget how 20 or 30 leaves falling from a tree felt like it was raining leaves,
how magical autumn was
how exciting it was for christmas to come.
how magical it was to lie under a christmas tree without my glasses on
to look up at all the orbs of light blurred into round dots of beautiful bokeh.

even things that happened a few years ago -
summer morning drives i would take by myself
blaring music and driving through the small towns that lead from my ex's house to mine
getting biscuit sandwiches from tudors and sitting by the river at 6 a.m.
finding lost magic on the boulevard near my small hometown river.

i thought i'd always go to the three local 24 hour diners late at night
and trips to smaller towns in southern west virginia would always be mandatory to see shows.
i felt like there was magic in those small towns.

i feel like i've always been someone who lives in memories or in the past,
even if i'm living in them the night of, while reviewing photographs.

i still don't think i could live in charleston or in goldstown or in whereever it is my great grandmother is buried,
but i want to go to small corner stores with handmade signs
and i want to be on a mountaintop in the morning when the world is covered in dew.

i'm reminded of all of this because today i woke up in a warm bed and there were flashes of light dancing on the ceiling.
the leaves were green again
and for a few minutes
i was back in the old world
full of yellow flower puzzles and magical small towns.

i want to keep in that world, but there's no place for it in the world of emails and scheduling.
i'm glad i work from home because reality eats my insides alive sometimes.

This was the first time I've photographed people with my Canon 5D Mark II. I've only had it for a handful of days and all I had taken photos of so far had been my dogs and shots of myself in the mirror. And my feet. Anyway. Vacation pictures aplenty. <3

yesterday was my birthday. this was my birthday outfit.

to be honest, it wouldn't have been a real birthday if i hadn't cried.

NOTE: the rest of this post will be me whining.

i had two appointments yesterday.
i needed to get them out of the way before i wasn't on my parents insurance anymore.
gyno appt was OK.
he said i clearly do not have a hormone imbalance,
but he put me on birth control pills to see if my anxiety would lesson if it was hormone related.
went to the dentist and found i had had cavities.
this wouldn't have been such bad news, except it turns out i'm actually NOT on my parent's dental plan.
getting my cavities fixed will be $960 dollars.

after my appointments, but before josh and i started the birthday festivities,
the oil guy came to fill up our heater oil... thing.
it cost $870 to fill up our oil thing for our heater
(it was halfway full when we moved in a month ago... meaning our oil bill alone is 425 a month, apparently)

so i cried about all of that.

then we went to pay for some parking tickets.
the office was closed, but we realized when we got there that josh and i got the date wrong on some parking tickets
(really stupid parking laws here with signs that aren't always visible)
so they went from being $20 each to $40 each. so that's $80 that goes to stupid bullshit.
all the vintage stores closed early so we couldn't go thrifting yesterday
which were the only birthday plans i had made.

i ate a gluten free cake that tasted like shit
and went to bed with an upset stomach.

life is stupid sometimes.

i want pink sunlight through window panes
soft oversized sweaters
to wear knee highs until next autumn
to lie in grass again.

jetsetting.

i like to pretend
that i'm this girl.
that my parents took me to greece
and i am currently vacationing in paris.

but i'm in maryland eating an ice cream bar.