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Aug. 18th, 2012 | 08:18 pm

today, i had a time machine.
i went back and looked at things from behind, going forwards.
life is shorter than we think.

i'm not doing what i should be doing for it to end so quickly.

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how the world ends. (dream sequence)

Jul. 21st, 2012 | 08:44 am

the world was being consumed with sadness.
the plants had all overgrown and no one tended to their lawns.
some chose to stop eating
others wept on their porches, wailing through the blood soaked shirts of family members who had chosen to say goodbye in more violent ways.

he sat in a tree as therapy; his attempt to avoid being sucked into the depression destroying the planet.
he felt the elevation soothed his shrinking heart
and from his vista in the overgrown limbs, he no longer had to watch buildings around him crumble from neglect.

it had been 6 months since it started.
the skies were always dark. even when the sun was shining, storms could be seen on hilltops on the horizon.
tornadoes ripping up houses and trees in the distance,
just far enough away to feel safe enough to ache with sadness.

i was in my parents' house.
we had all came together for the great end, but it had been months and everyone had grown too apathetic to love at all.
my brother's wife strolled in a pool to stay.
my brother found his source of release when he jumped from a rooftop.
i lost my patience with everyone and was ready to find my way out
until i found him in the tree.

he told the depression went away where the air was thinner.
thin air and sleeping in sap seemed to be the cure.

i spent a week in the tree sanctuary, but it wasn't a happy end.
i felt love enough when the branches broke beneath him, my heart burst.
the tornado touched down and i felt the bitterness again as i closed my eyes and fell to the ground.

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(no subject)

Jun. 10th, 2012 | 08:10 pm

I've been reading through "How to Make Friends and Influence People" and I need to make some life changes.

So often, I think/say, "in general, I don't like most people."
But I don't think that's fair.
I love quirks and everyone has quirks.

I think what I don't love is... the mundane things people say when they don't know what to say
but even that's interesting. The fact that they do it. Maybe I should try to get them to say something more interesting.

I liked the girl that forgot to pack my bag into my cart at the grocery store.
I didn't think I did, but I do, in retrospect.
She hardly spoke to me and I want to believe she loves her job so much she's consumed with the rhythmic actions of ringing people out it might be easy to miss a step.

And I like the lady that annoys me at the bank.
She's about my age.
She once kept me in her office for over an hour chatting about this and that and even showing me her wedding pictures
and I remember complaining about it, but...
she is so very sweet to me.
Once, when I was depositing a check, she popped up to the window to say "Hi Nessa!"
I told Josh about it and we laughed about how she's probably nuts, and it was charming, really. I liked it.

I just sat on Twitter trying to think of genuine compliments to reply to people,
but... I don't know how to talk to people.
I use the word "I" a lot. Clearly, this is my journal and about me, so it's appropriate, but I just don't know how to talk to people.

The way I relate is by... relating things back to what I've done.

I started writing this earlier today
and I've since ran out of things to add to it.

Life changes coming soon. If I can figure it out.

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i have an awesome job.

May. 28th, 2012 | 11:49 pm

cuss yes

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magic that used to happen.

May. 11th, 2012 | 08:34 am

davids food store, austin tx

davids food store, austin tx

playing an instrument

i forget sometimes that i came from a world where i was little.
it doesn't feel like memories, it feels like a completely different place.
like i'm a different person and that was another, completely different world.
one with magic.

where i put together puzzles of barns and yellow flower covered hilltops
and i would imagine myself running on mountaintops, keeping up the car when i went on trips with my parents.

growing up has been weird for me.
everyone learns everything as they grow older,
but i feel like each bit of information has been a little shocking to me.
learning how to properly speak to waiters,
realizing there are mean people for the sake of meanness in this world,
learning that the moon and sun looking larger on the horizon is just an illusion...

and finding out i'd eventually move away from home.

when i was younger, i thought i'd live in the mountains because i didn't know life existed outside them. not really.

i thought i'd always pick blackberries with my grandmother
and i'd always go to the small church down the road
and when we moved into a new house on hilltop, nothing changed.

i forget how 20 or 30 leaves falling from a tree felt like it was raining leaves,
how magical autumn was
how exciting it was for christmas to come.
how magical it was to lie under a christmas tree without my glasses on
to look up at all the orbs of light blurred into round dots of beautiful bokeh.

even things that happened a few years ago -
summer morning drives i would take by myself
blaring music and driving through the small towns that lead from my ex's house to mine
getting biscuit sandwiches from tudors and sitting by the river at 6 a.m.
finding lost magic on the boulevard near my small hometown river.

i thought i'd always go to the three local 24 hour diners late at night
and trips to smaller towns in southern west virginia would always be mandatory to see shows.
i felt like there was magic in those small towns.

i feel like i've always been someone who lives in memories or in the past,
even if i'm living in them the night of, while reviewing photographs.

i still don't think i could live in charleston or in goldstown or in whereever it is my great grandmother is buried,
but i want to go to small corner stores with handmade signs
and i want to be on a mountaintop in the morning when the world is covered in dew.

i'm reminded of all of this because today i woke up in a warm bed and there were flashes of light dancing on the ceiling.
the leaves were green again
and for a few minutes
i was back in the old world
full of yellow flower puzzles and magical small towns.

i want to keep in that world, but there's no place for it in the world of emails and scheduling.
i'm glad i work from home because reality eats my insides alive sometimes.

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Palm Springs <3

Mar. 25th, 2012 | 12:54 pm

This was the first time I've photographed people with my Canon 5D Mark II. I've only had it for a handful of days and all I had taken photos of so far had been my dogs and shots of myself in the mirror. And my feet. Anyway. Vacation pictures aplenty. <3

the ace hotel vacation photosace hotel photography signhipster vacationpalm springs photographers at ace hotel
bingo at the ace hotelmargaritas at the ace hotelace hotel signsdrive to joshua treejoshua tree shooting from a carphotographers at joshua treejoshua tree photographypalm springs editorial photographyjoshua tree editorial photographyfun joshua tree editorial picturesjoshua tree landscape photographyjoshua tree cute photosinspiring joshua tree photographsportraits at joshua treejoshua tree landscape photographsjoshua treeswindmills in california countrysidejoshua tree photographyjoshua tree vacation pictures

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i made something today, so whatever.

Feb. 15th, 2012 | 12:32 am

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OOTD - backwards cardigan

Jan. 21st, 2012 | 05:39 pm

backwards cardigan OOTD

backwards cardigan OOTD

yesterday was my birthday. this was my birthday outfit.

to be honest, it wouldn't have been a real birthday if i hadn't cried.

NOTE: the rest of this post will be me whining.

i had two appointments yesterday.
i needed to get them out of the way before i wasn't on my parents insurance anymore.
gyno appt was OK.
he said i clearly do not have a hormone imbalance,
but he put me on birth control pills to see if my anxiety would lesson if it was hormone related.
went to the dentist and found i had had cavities.
this wouldn't have been such bad news, except it turns out i'm actually NOT on my parent's dental plan.
getting my cavities fixed will be $960 dollars.

after my appointments, but before josh and i started the birthday festivities,
the oil guy came to fill up our heater oil... thing.
it cost $870 to fill up our oil thing for our heater
(it was halfway full when we moved in a month ago... meaning our oil bill alone is 425 a month, apparently)

so i cried about all of that.

then we went to pay for some parking tickets.
the office was closed, but we realized when we got there that josh and i got the date wrong on some parking tickets
(really stupid parking laws here with signs that aren't always visible)
so they went from being $20 each to $40 each. so that's $80 that goes to stupid bullshit.
all the vintage stores closed early so we couldn't go thrifting yesterday
which were the only birthday plans i had made.

i ate a gluten free cake that tasted like shit
and went to bed with an upset stomach.

life is stupid sometimes.

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Dentist and OB GYN

Jan. 20th, 2012 | 12:29 pm

It's my birthday (I'm not telling anyone because I hate Facebook wall spam) and I'm spending it catching up on appointments before I'm off my parents' insurance.

There has to be some amazing joke about having a doctor in my vagina and in my mouth on my birthday, but I can't think of anything right now.

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Work.

Jan. 19th, 2012 | 07:44 pm

I used the wrong fork to eat my salad and everyone stared.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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